who do we have the right to grieve?
trying to organize my thoughts over liam payne's untimely death.
Note: I am severely aware of the dangers that come with parasocial celebrity relationships. I will never and have never tried to understand the possible pain that losing someone like this in such a public and horrible way could feel like. However, due to the recent allegations of his behavior, I felt it was important to discuss my thoughts. At the end of the day, it’s never appropriate to wish death on somebody and I can only hope that his friends, family, and particularly his son can find some peace and quiet.
I think I’m writing this to figure out my thoughts as much to myself as others. One Direction was a large part of my childhood, and something I made friends over. Music in particular is a huge part of my life especially as I get older. Liam Payne was never, at least in my knowledge, a prominent figure within One Direction. He wasn’t my favorite or my friend’s favorite, but a part of the band that we loved nonetheless and so we loved him just the same. Everyone had been typecast — the bad boy, the innocent one, so on and so forth — but I don’t ever remember him having a role. I even researched it a little as I was writing this. Most call him the ‘father figure’ and reasonable one, some call him the kid brother.
Liam was actually the first member of One Direction that I saw live in concert. It was, if I’m remembering correctly, my first ever concert — K-Fest. A local radio station would put on a music festival about two hours away from my house and that year included Five Seconds of Summer. I went mainly for 5SOS, and videotaped every single song while screaming and then sobbed for like ten minutes afterwords. 2018 was a different time. Liam closed out the night, just starting his solo career at that time, and sang his first single “Strip That Down” and the 1D classic of “Little Things.”
His following solo career didn’t even touch the heights of other former members Harry Styles and Niall Horan, but wasn’t bad. The music was never horrible, but I felt like you could tell he was uneasy. There wasn’t an ease within the tracks, and it never quite felt like he found his footing. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to see your former bandmates inadvertently leaving you in the dust. There were high expectations for the boys after the split. Given the popularity at the band’s height, I think his life experience is something that is unfathomable to even the pop stars of today. They’re mentioned in the same breath as the Beatles. It has to be just debilitating. And to go from five years of that, to suddenly be outperformed by those you once considered your brothers, takes a toll on mental health and I’m sure, sobriety.
Liam had previously spoken out about his struggles with substance abuse.
“The problem was… the best way to secure us, because of how big it got, was to lock us in a room. And, of course, what is in the room? A minibar,” he explained. “At a certain point, I just thought, ‘Well, I’m going to have a party for one,’ and that just seemed to carry on throughout many years of my life.”
After the pandemic, he spent 100 days in a Louisiana rehab facility and was taking steps toward sobriety. However, it’s towards this point where Liam began to disgrace his image of fresh-faced boyband pop star, and morph into washed-up bitter solo artist. And this is why there is so much conflict surrounding fans grieving his death.
On his 2022 guest appearance with Logal Paul’s podcast “Impaulsive,” Payne began to unravel. He claimed that One Direction was “built around him” — “they kind of started with my face and then worked around the rest” — and told a story about an unnamed bandmate (now revealed to be Zayn) that threw him against a wall. He said that him and Louis hated each other, “like come to blows hated each other” and called him “rowdy.” He called himself the “antichrist version” of Harry. He poked fun at Zayn’s alleged domestic dispute spat with mother-in-law Yolanda Hadid, and knocked his upbringing while stating: “There are many reasons I dislike Zayn and there are many reasons why I’ll always be on his side”. The strangest thing, however, was his claim that he was the most successful solo member of the band. This… could not be less true. (Liam later apologized and said they came from a place of frustration from himself, not the band.)
Maya Henry is a celebrity in herself before her four year tumultuous relationship with Liam - she’s the daughter of wealthy personal injury lawyer Thomas J. Henry and has modeled for Paris Fashion Week, while also being on the cover of international issues of Vogue, Elle, and Harper’s Baazar. Their age difference — her then 19 to his 27 — was a large point in the tabloids, but she painted a picture of a former Directioner living out a fairytale. They started dating in 2018 and got engaged in 2020.
After back and forth over the next two years, Maya confirmed the breakup by commenting on an Instagram post - “I love all of the fans so much but please stop sending me these pictures of my fiancé wrapped around another woman. This is not me and it’s hard enough knowing this has happened without seeing it. Enough now.”
Post separation, Maya announced her book, “Looking Forward,” and claimed it was a work of fiction. She’s now admitted it was heavily based on her life, with the main character being a small town outcast who becomes a model and falls in love with a member of her favorite boyband. The character “learns the pain and headache when your love goes from girlhood fantasy to real-life drama.” The boyfriend relies heavily on substances, is physically abusive and gives her an ultimatum of abortion, or breaking up.
Maya has said that Liam forced her to get an abortion alone, at home, so the press would not find out. While she was writing the book, Liam reached out to her mother, stating “I’m not going to be around much longer.”
Liam was in Argentina for Niall's show on tour, and was not shy about sharing it. He posted Snapchats, which he’s notoriously active on, about his attendance at the show beforehand. He claimed that they hadn’t spoken in a while, and wanted to “square some things up.”
The backlash following the show was again, comparing him to another bandmate. When Harry Styles had attended Niall’s show in Manchester, he did little to bring attention to himself, and quietly supported Niall from the stands. Liam has been accused of attention seeking, as he took photos and spoke to fans, creating a large scene before Niall came on stage. There’s even a video of him doing the Macarena as security come up to him and ask him to stop riling up the crowd.
Two days prior to the fall, Maya was a guest on a podcast where she spoke about a “toxic and abusive relationship.” She had previously issued a cease and desist against him after accusing him of repeatedly contacting her through different methods. A lot of TikToks Maya have posted emphasize the manipulative nature of their relationship, and how Liam took advantage of her and her family’s sympathy. She claimed that he weaponized fans to turn against her, and quoted him as “preying on One Direction Fans because they will always be loyal to him and they won’t tell on him.” She also said that he would play with death and say “Well, I'm going to die. I'm not doing well.” A source told PEOPLE that he was “extremely overwhelmed by all of the legal issues.”
Earlier this month, as Maya shared her story, fans have come out against Liam with allegations of messaging underage girls, exploiting them for nude photos, sexually assaulting fans and abusing his fame to bully them into silence. The way that he was using his fans is still something that is the hardest thing for me to comprehend.
Maya said Payne's friend told her that he was “not doing well. If something happens to him, not only are you going to blame yourself but the whole world is going to blame you.”
The Sun (yes, the sun, so take this with a grain of salt) reported 9 days before his death about him “struggling.” They claim his second album was halted after promo single “Teardrops” failed to chart at all, his manager left him and a documentary that was planned to focus on his upbringing was killed. A source told PEOPLE that he was “extremely overwhelmed by all of the legal issues.”
Earlier in the day, the hotel manager had called the local authorities on Payne, describing a guest exhibiting erratic behavior. He had smashed his laptop and was suspected to be under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The 911 call, according to AP News, said “He’s destroying the entire room and, well, we need you to send someone, please.” The manager’s voice became more anxious as the call went on, noting the room had a balcony. They were afraid that he would do something that would put his life at risk.
Four minutes later, the authorities responded to an emergency response call of a man falling out of a window. Liam was pronounced dead at the scene and shortly after covered with a medical tent due to paparazzi. There were no injuries or evidence that suggest a third-party was involved, everything indicates he was alone at the time of the fall and died from it. Trauma and external/internal bleeding were listed as the official cause of death. Narcotics and alcohol were seized from his hotel room afterword. A toxicology report will take weeks to finalize.
The hardest part for me was to read that the police suspect he was semi-conscious or unconscious at the time of the fall. This means he did not brace his body for impact or deflect the fall, landing on his head and dying instantly.
Understandably, the Internet has uncomfortable feelings about fans mourning his passing. Maya, who I am truly wishing only the best towards as this must be catastrophic for her health, is not to be ignored. Her story, despite coinciding with his death, needed to be told and she deserved to share her truth. Others have a less clear cut version of it, placing the blame on Maya for her lawsuit. It is despicable that the media is working overtime to pin his death on her. Some are blaming Niall, as his show is the reason he was in Argentina. I think these two things are absolutely absurd — and so incredibly harmful to the very real people with very real relationships to Liam involved.
There’s also the perspective that he shouldn’t be mourned at all. That he was an abuser, and not the artist that people once thought him to be. And that mourning him is essentially negating all of his misdeeds and misfortunes. I also disagree with this point, as grief is not something I feel we can control. It’s unsure and intrinsically twisted in that you do not get a say in how you feel over someone’s death. Whether or not you knew the person themselves, tangibly, or if they are attached to a memory or a feeling or an influenced time of your life. These are all reasons to mourn a loss. Mourning does not mean excusing. Mourning does not mean agreeing with the past actions. I have had friends compare this is when their parents found out Diana or Elvis died. It’s one of the first losses of this generation, similar to Cameron Boyce, that has truly rocked a demographic.
I’m mourning for a loss that is very much not mine, but the little girl that still exists inside of my heart and wants to fall in love with a rockstar. I am mourning a member of one of my favorite and life shaping bands, and a father to a seven year old boy. I am not mourning the abuser, manipulator, and aggressive man.
I wanted him to be held accountable, not die a premature, public and gruesome death. The all too familiar signs of of addiction, mental illness, and just a man who was deeply, deeply struggling. TMZ posted photos (and justified this by only showing “parts of his body” “despite having the full photo” that were identifiable, ie tattoos) of his body after falling from the balcony. This is not only extremely insensitive to his family members and his memory, but just flat out inappropriate and unnecessary. They described the fucking sound the body made when it hit the ground, for Christ’s sake. He has left behind a CHILD, a seven year old boy. That boy now has to grow up encircled by his father’s tragic death, and pictures of his body, dead. TMZ has since removed the photos, I’m assuming due to the backlash, but we know all too well that these things never truly leave the internet. Have some compassion. You broke the story (before his family, bandmates and ex-fiancee knew). That should have been enough.
As of me writing this, Louis and Zayn have released statements about Liam’s passing. The band collectively, released a statement on their Instagram page — the first post since 2016, aside for the promo surrounding the ten year anniversary. Seeing a post signed ‘Louis, Zayn, Niall & Harry’ is unsettling in 2024. I’ve been texting friends and my sister all day as new information comes out, and stalking social media as I and millions of other 1D fans try to make sense of it. No one seems to have an answer on how to appropriately feel or grieve. I’m still not really sure how I feel about it. I can’t believe there is a One Direction funeral before there’s a One Direction wedding. There will never be a 5/5 reunion - except presumably at his services. There’s always speculation, but at the end of the day a human and a father has died.
I’ve been listening to One Direction for most of the day. And have been drawn to “Walking in the Wind,” one I’ve never been pulled to before.
We had some good times, didn't we?
We wore our hearts out on our sleeve
Goodbyes are bittersweet
But it's not the end
I'll see your face againAnd you will find me
Yeah, you will find me
In places that we've never been
For reasons we don't understand
Walking in the wind
Walking in the windAnd I know we'll be alright, child
Just close your eyes and see
And I'll be by your side
Any time you're needing me
Most of all, I feel undeniably guilty for mourning a man that I have never met, knowing that we all truly never did and never will know our celebrity heroes. There are real people who are impacted by his death, real people who’s lives are forever changed, and that’s why I’m not really sure this debate matters. I’m not religious, but I am praying for peace for him, and most importantly, for Maya and his victims.